Spring?

The calendar says it's spring, but the weather has been CrAzY!!! Furnace on, furnace off, A/C on, A/C off. That on/off thing reminds me alot of many other things in my life as well!!!

Just 6 years ago I graduated from nursing school this month and I was a mess. Stressed to the max, an eye twitch that I thought would never go away, and about to start the hardest job I had ever had in my life. My, oh my, the God of miracles has never disappointed me. Life is good, so good. It was a huge step of faith for me to walk out of my comfort zone and into the world of the unknown. The memory of that graduation will forever be etched into my memory during the month of May.

Today I spent the better part of the day with my parents. Dad, a cancer survivor, still fighting, and now caregiver for his wife who is mentally ill with dementia, needed a break. It took both of us to get mom out of the house and into the Northwoods Mall. The lady who would drop everything to go shopping, now must be urged, prodded and lied to, to get her out of the house. Her clothes were all wrong for this chilly day, so back in the bedroom she went. Now her purse didn't match her shoes and she couldn't find the other purse so she said she would just sit in the car. We have finally learned to just go along with what she says, because in 5 minutes she has no idea what she just said. She is forever angry, at us, at the world, but really at this disease that is taking over her thoughts and actions. She doesn't know why she feels the way she does, and why she can't remember anything, or why in the world she doesn't love the things she used to love. I watched her hands today during lunch. Those hands mean so much to me. Those hands have faithfully played the organ at church for some 50 years now. Those hands used to cook the most delicious meals and bake some scrumptious desserts that she was proud of. Those hands would lovingly sew and craft fun things for her kids and grandkids. I looked in her eyes today and couldn't find her....couldn't find my mom who raised me. Her eyes were so tired today and such a blank stare. I know she is there, but she is confused and hurting and angry. It is a wicked disease.

She loves to be home, in her house where she feels secure and not threatened, with her husband that she trusts. So our outing was over and we took her home. Tomorrow she won't remember we went shopping today, she won't remember whose little girl clothes those are in the sack, whose birthday is coming up, and who to sign the card for. Thankfully, she will remember that she is loved and cared for. Oh Lord, don't take that away from her, it's all she has.

She is a jewel and I miss her.