It's Over

This past week I received THE LETTER, the letter I have been waiting for. You see my life was forever changed on July 27, 2009 when I was drawing blood on a patient and stuck myself with the needle right when I was pulling it out of his arm. Not just any patient, an HIV positive patient, who was actively in the dying process. I was rushed to our occupational health department and began taking his drugs, the drugs that were fighting the virus, within 2 hours. I was offered a nausea drug, because these drugs most often cause so much nausea the patient has to stop taking them.

It was a long two hours, I thought about my whole life and all my precious family. I thought about how I was going to have to tell them this news and how would I tell David, my husband. When I left the hospital, I had to drive to two separate pharmacies in order to get this medicine, I cried and cried. I knew everyone was looking at me as if they knew I might have HIV at this very moment. I felt dirty and infected. I began to feel so sorry for sick people, people who know they may never get better. As I left the first pharmacy and began the drive to the next I cried out to God and asked Him why this happened, how could He have let this happen. When I got to my destination I sat in the car and cried some more, trying to get myself together to face another pharmacist who "knows" what happened to me. How was I going to work when the nausea began? Last of all I prayed and asked God to take this from me, confessed that I couldn't do this on my own, that I didn't have enough strength to face this kind of a trial, begged Him to make it go away. All of a sudden I was very aware that I had the radio on and a song was playing and the singer was singing these words:

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need You satisfy me with Your love,
and all I have in You is more than enough.
You are my supply, my breath of life, still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward, worth living for, Still more awesome than I know."

I felt a blanket of peace cover me and I knew God was telling me that He would take care of it, that I can always depend on Him. AND, most importantly, I didn't need to ask Him to take it away, because if the outcome was the worst I would still have Him and that's where my joy comes from not from what the world can give me or offer me.

About that time Jenni called on my phone for a completely different reason and she knew I was upset. I had to tell her right then and she comforted me and let me know we would work this out and it would be OK.

I began the drive home, went on to tell David, Ryan, and Nicole, but this time with more peace about whatever did happen, I could handle it because God allowed it to happen, He knew all about it, and He was in control. Some of my favorite verses came to mind, Habakkuk 3:17-19, says that "Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines,........I will rejoice in the Lord.....The Sovereign Lord is my Strength." I always paraphrase those verses with whatever is going on in my life, such as "Though I got stuck by a dirty needle, and I might get really sick.....I will rejoice in the Lord, ....The Sovereign Lord is my Strength."

Old verses became fresh again, I never got nauseated one single day and was able to take every last pill. I have had three follow up blood draws, my last one being last week which was the 6 month landmark. There is no HIV virus in my body and not a high, not even a low chance that there ever will be. However, for the record, if one of those blood draws would have come back positive and I would have heard the words you have HIV, I was ready to honor God and praise His name through it all!!!

I wish I could build a stone monument in the front yard like the Old Testament people did to remind themselves of what God did for them. But for now, this blog will do. I hope I never forget July 27, 2009 and many months after that God worked a miracle in my life.

One more thing, since that time, I sometimes look around at church and wonder just what people might be going thru that I know nothing about. I kept this private and didn't tell others until now. So, be extra encouraging to those you rub shoulders with, be Christlike and spread His love, you never know when somebody needs a smile and a hug!!! Love this life, Kim

Kind of Jealous

I have to admit I am kind of jealous of those people who can keep a blog going day after day. Their blogs are fancy looking and mine looks dull. (I have tried several times to fluff it up, add pic's,e tc, but that is way beyond me it seems.) Anyway, I love to blog for a couple of reasons: 1. When dementia hits (and I think it is coming), I will be able to go back and read what I can't remember. 2. Writing it all out makes me feel somewhat satisfied and complete.

I haven't written since my birthday in october and I can't even begin to write down all that has transpired in these last few months. So, those months will go unremembered for now.

I am currently hungry for a good Bible study. I feel deadened to the scripture and that is no one's fault but my own. God is God, He hasn't changed and He continues to work in my life in so many ways, that some I don't even know about. I feel overwhelmed with life most of the time and yet life is so good and fulfilling that I want to be on top of it so that I can enjoy every single minute. I have thoughts and dreams that I want to accomplish and can't quite get it done. I am restless with work--because I feel like I need to give a little more, learn to be better, participate more fully in extra things. I feel restless at home, because there is so much to do and I just look at it and think about it. I feel restless at church--lots to do there, so many ways I can become more involved. I think it's because winter is nearly over and spring will be coming. The time of the year for new projects, great weather, plans to make, trips to make. See, what I mean, way overwhelming.

Slow down.....that's my message to myself. I tell my patients all the time to take one day at a time. Don't think ahead, but conquer today. What was that song title ??? Seize the day? It was a good song, will have to look up those lyrics---just a minute I did:

Seize the day, seize whatever you can
'Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day, pray for grace from God's hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Well I know a doctor, a fine young physician
Left his six-figure job for a mission position
He's healing the sick in an African clinic
He works in the dirt and writes home to the cynics
He says "We work through the night so most every day
As we watch the sun rise we can say by Carolyn Arends.

I want to blog more. I will try harder for my own sake, not for the sake of anyone who dares read this stuff.

Praying for dad today. The chemo is taking a huge toll on his body this time. That is bothering me. I don't know if I can watch this take place or not. I am trying to stay strong for him and for my sister, but deep down inside I crumble if I think of life without him. I am not depressed, but I have thought how easy it would be to fall into depression and it has given me a better insight into how people get depressed without even knowing it. God's grace, mercy, peace, and strength have sustained me thus far!!! where would I be without Him? I shudder to think of that answer.

Another day----Kim