It's Over

This past week I received THE LETTER, the letter I have been waiting for. You see my life was forever changed on July 27, 2009 when I was drawing blood on a patient and stuck myself with the needle right when I was pulling it out of his arm. Not just any patient, an HIV positive patient, who was actively in the dying process. I was rushed to our occupational health department and began taking his drugs, the drugs that were fighting the virus, within 2 hours. I was offered a nausea drug, because these drugs most often cause so much nausea the patient has to stop taking them.

It was a long two hours, I thought about my whole life and all my precious family. I thought about how I was going to have to tell them this news and how would I tell David, my husband. When I left the hospital, I had to drive to two separate pharmacies in order to get this medicine, I cried and cried. I knew everyone was looking at me as if they knew I might have HIV at this very moment. I felt dirty and infected. I began to feel so sorry for sick people, people who know they may never get better. As I left the first pharmacy and began the drive to the next I cried out to God and asked Him why this happened, how could He have let this happen. When I got to my destination I sat in the car and cried some more, trying to get myself together to face another pharmacist who "knows" what happened to me. How was I going to work when the nausea began? Last of all I prayed and asked God to take this from me, confessed that I couldn't do this on my own, that I didn't have enough strength to face this kind of a trial, begged Him to make it go away. All of a sudden I was very aware that I had the radio on and a song was playing and the singer was singing these words:

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need You satisfy me with Your love,
and all I have in You is more than enough.
You are my supply, my breath of life, still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward, worth living for, Still more awesome than I know."

I felt a blanket of peace cover me and I knew God was telling me that He would take care of it, that I can always depend on Him. AND, most importantly, I didn't need to ask Him to take it away, because if the outcome was the worst I would still have Him and that's where my joy comes from not from what the world can give me or offer me.

About that time Jenni called on my phone for a completely different reason and she knew I was upset. I had to tell her right then and she comforted me and let me know we would work this out and it would be OK.

I began the drive home, went on to tell David, Ryan, and Nicole, but this time with more peace about whatever did happen, I could handle it because God allowed it to happen, He knew all about it, and He was in control. Some of my favorite verses came to mind, Habakkuk 3:17-19, says that "Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines,........I will rejoice in the Lord.....The Sovereign Lord is my Strength." I always paraphrase those verses with whatever is going on in my life, such as "Though I got stuck by a dirty needle, and I might get really sick.....I will rejoice in the Lord, ....The Sovereign Lord is my Strength."

Old verses became fresh again, I never got nauseated one single day and was able to take every last pill. I have had three follow up blood draws, my last one being last week which was the 6 month landmark. There is no HIV virus in my body and not a high, not even a low chance that there ever will be. However, for the record, if one of those blood draws would have come back positive and I would have heard the words you have HIV, I was ready to honor God and praise His name through it all!!!

I wish I could build a stone monument in the front yard like the Old Testament people did to remind themselves of what God did for them. But for now, this blog will do. I hope I never forget July 27, 2009 and many months after that God worked a miracle in my life.

One more thing, since that time, I sometimes look around at church and wonder just what people might be going thru that I know nothing about. I kept this private and didn't tell others until now. So, be extra encouraging to those you rub shoulders with, be Christlike and spread His love, you never know when somebody needs a smile and a hug!!! Love this life, Kim

Kind of Jealous

I have to admit I am kind of jealous of those people who can keep a blog going day after day. Their blogs are fancy looking and mine looks dull. (I have tried several times to fluff it up, add pic's,e tc, but that is way beyond me it seems.) Anyway, I love to blog for a couple of reasons: 1. When dementia hits (and I think it is coming), I will be able to go back and read what I can't remember. 2. Writing it all out makes me feel somewhat satisfied and complete.

I haven't written since my birthday in october and I can't even begin to write down all that has transpired in these last few months. So, those months will go unremembered for now.

I am currently hungry for a good Bible study. I feel deadened to the scripture and that is no one's fault but my own. God is God, He hasn't changed and He continues to work in my life in so many ways, that some I don't even know about. I feel overwhelmed with life most of the time and yet life is so good and fulfilling that I want to be on top of it so that I can enjoy every single minute. I have thoughts and dreams that I want to accomplish and can't quite get it done. I am restless with work--because I feel like I need to give a little more, learn to be better, participate more fully in extra things. I feel restless at home, because there is so much to do and I just look at it and think about it. I feel restless at church--lots to do there, so many ways I can become more involved. I think it's because winter is nearly over and spring will be coming. The time of the year for new projects, great weather, plans to make, trips to make. See, what I mean, way overwhelming.

Slow down.....that's my message to myself. I tell my patients all the time to take one day at a time. Don't think ahead, but conquer today. What was that song title ??? Seize the day? It was a good song, will have to look up those lyrics---just a minute I did:

Seize the day, seize whatever you can
'Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
Seize the day, pray for grace from God's hand
Then nothing will stand in your way
Seize the day

Well I know a doctor, a fine young physician
Left his six-figure job for a mission position
He's healing the sick in an African clinic
He works in the dirt and writes home to the cynics
He says "We work through the night so most every day
As we watch the sun rise we can say by Carolyn Arends.

I want to blog more. I will try harder for my own sake, not for the sake of anyone who dares read this stuff.

Praying for dad today. The chemo is taking a huge toll on his body this time. That is bothering me. I don't know if I can watch this take place or not. I am trying to stay strong for him and for my sister, but deep down inside I crumble if I think of life without him. I am not depressed, but I have thought how easy it would be to fall into depression and it has given me a better insight into how people get depressed without even knowing it. God's grace, mercy, peace, and strength have sustained me thus far!!! where would I be without Him? I shudder to think of that answer.

Another day----Kim

What now??? I am 50......

Isn't that funny, the long awaited 1/2 century birthday has come and gone and I don't feel any different. Those bad, bad girls of mine and my sister planned a surprise party for me, funded by my husband!! I was mad cause I didn't have a clue. The funny thing about an embarrassing party like that is - you get all your friends together and love having them there. Why don't we do that more for no reason??? Anyway, I took a week off work that I thoroughly enjoyed and worked on projects as I felt like it.

I realize how tremendously blessed my life is. I hope I don't take that for granted. Now there is always room for improvement in my relationships and attitude.....so a never ending project in the process, but my life has been fabulous and fantastic in lots of ways.

The day of my birthday, Ryan and David took me to Chili's in East Peoria. We had a great meal but we also were together and had great conversation. Then, little did I know, my "good" friends :) the McFees set up a fake mission committee meeting to get me to the church at 3:15 on Sunday afternoon and it worked. When David and I pulled into the parking lot and all those cars were there, including my girls' cars, I knew I was doomed. They did it, they actually pulled it off.

So, the day after my birthday, I colored my hair, auburn, with lots of "red" tints. I like it and it felt good making that change. There are lots of other changes I want to make and will work on those slowly and thoughtfully.

I honestly can't believe I have turned 50, where have the years gone and how quickly the next 50 will come and go. Scary. Hopefully, home to heaven sooner than later.
Still pondering this life of ours.......Kim

It's Almost Here

Yes, the long awaited 50th birthday is Sunday. When I left work the other day, I looked back and said, "The next time you see me, I will be much older!" and one of my friends said, "Yea, but did you have fun getting there?" and "YES", was my reply. I was so glad she said that. That puts a little different light on the subject. 50 does sound alot older than 49 for some stupid reason. But, my life has been a great 50 years. Oh yea, there have been days I wish I could forget, and days I would not want to repeat. But in the scheme of things, those days are what brought me to greater faith, greater character, and a better woman today. I cannot go to "What If" because that part of life is over and everyday is a new beginning. I used to have a poem that my college mentor gave me (and cannot find it anywhere), but it started like this "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. What I do with this day is important because I have traded a day of my life for it." I am still looking for those words so I can remember how important each and every day of life is.

There was a car accident a couple days ago and an 18 year old girl lost her life and her friend who was driving will now live with that and the very bad decisions she made. There was a patient at work this week who had been shot by her husband 5 times in the stomach, and a very dear 85 year old woman who was struggling to breath with emphysema and many more problems. So in perspective of what is going around me, my life is full and abundant and so blessed that I feel I could burst. Thanks to God above, who in his grace and mercy contines to give me what I don't deserve and loves me when I am not worthy of that love.

So, today is a new day and I am embracing it with what would be the best way to spend it. I have the never ending desire to walk closer with the Lord and don't feel I have impacted my family enough with how the Lord loves them and how important it is to serve Him. That is always at the top of my list. My lesson to the kids last night was about being wise and listening to the right voice, God's voice, and quieting the distracting voices around us. I have thought so much about that, because we did a little exercise to get one of the girls thru an obstacle course blind folded. She had to listen to her "guide" tell her how to get to the goal while the rest of the class was whispering other directions. That a life lesson for me as I watched those whispering wrong directions and realize that is JUST how life is. AND how often I give the wrong voices time in my head when they are not worth the time.

What a challenge!! Hope you have a great day, Love, the soon to be much older, KIM

Happy Fall, Y'all

I have been writing that comment everywhere. I guess it's because I love Fall, the colors, the smells, and the activities. The only thing wrong with Fall is that it is just too short, and then the cold, cold winter will begin.

So far October has been delightful, even tho we have had alot of much needed rain. Ryan celebrated his 19th birthday. He went to a concert (Brand New) in Chicago with some friends, and I was very concerned and, Ok, worried about that little adventure. He is home now and said he had a good time. That is about all the info we will get out of him. He only talks about stuff when he feels like it and, who knows, there may come a time he will tell me all about it. I want so much for him, but realize everyday that I can't make that happen. I can only support him now and pray that he will make good choices and take advantage of every opportunity.

We (David and I) are concerned for all these college kids. Where are they going to work? It will be a push and shove for the good jobs. We continue to pray that God will take care of Ryan and lead him in the right direction, but Ryan is not listening to the Lord right now and trying to find his own way. Scary, very scary!!!

David is still trying to sell cars. It is so slow and I can tell he is thinking, What next? and there is no what next on the planner right now. We do know, from past experience, that the Lord does have a plan and He will take care of us. Why is it so hard to cut back and thinking about Christmas gives me the willies.....but I am content and so are my kids, so I just need to remember that and find special gifts that don't need to cost alot. The hunt begins. We had a recent conversation with some good friends about just stopping buying presents for each other. That is what they had decided to do with their families. Altho, I agreed at the time, I have been thinking alot about that. Being together at Christmas is enough, but I love to give gifts and make them special. Jesus gave us such a special gift, it just seems like Christmas is the time to give a gift, even if we stop all other buying of gifts. So, how will we make Christmas very special this year and not costly? Lots of thought will have to go into this one.

We are getting ready to have family pictures taken. Very excited about that and hoping all those babies put their best face forward!!

I haven't worked alot lately, but used my personal time, because work is slow. Having alot of time at home has been wonderful and, of course, makes me think alot more. I have stayed so busy teaching the kids at church on Wed nights and planning for the praise team. I don't know how I have time to work, but it all seems to work out. So here we go headed for the middle of the week already and time is flying by. Love to all, Kim

Across the Street, Across the Sea

....that was the theme for our annual missions awareness weekend at church this past weekend. Wow, we were privileged to have great people come to our church and participate in worship and learning of God's Word.

Bill Bagley was our main speaker and is full of energy and PASSION for Jesus and especially to see all groups of people come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. He encouraged and challenged us to not just walk the talk, but throw some words in there too so that other people who are watching us will know why we do what we do. There are souls that need rescued. My favorite illustration from the weekend was about the jet that went down in the Hudson river after being hit by a flock of geese. ALL staff and people riding on that plane were rescued, which was incredible, BUT are we as concerned about those who need rescued from hell!! I think I become too complacent and mind my own business. The challenge is that my business is for lost souls and I need to get busy.

We also had a great workshop Sunday morning in Sunday school with Jeff Schwartzentraub from One Heartbeat Ministries, right here in Peoria. Jeff is young, and also full of energy and passionate about leading others to Christ. He gave us a great visual and tool for learning how to start conversations with others. We practiced with our own friends in Sunday School and found out all kinds of things that we didn't know about them in just 15 minutes. It was incredible and a tool I will use and use and use, even tho I usually don't have any trouble talking to people.

It was great to have Dave and Darlene Noden there as well, who have been our missionaries for 42 years !!!! and they are still busy and being used by God in a marvelous way.

So, across the street, or across the sea, how can you and I get busy building relationships and giving others the good news about Jesus?? I now have lots of good ideas...if you need some let me know. Love, Kim

September has been great!!

We have had such a good month. We had a big birthday party for Joe, Nicole, and Justin. Oh, to be 20 something again. They are at such a great time in their lives and I don't think they realize that----until they turn 40 something!!! It was nice to have Justin home this year for his birthday. David and I have so enjoyed watching our Nicole thru the years. She is beautiful, not just saying that because she is our daughter, and I am sure we are biased, but she is beautiful and tries really hard to always look good. Must have got that from her Dad, not me. We are also enjoying seeing the boys come to Sunday School and be great daddy's for their little girls. We feel so blessed.

We all have been looking forward to the Marigold Festival. This year our dear friends, Doug and Brenda Keasal, came to stay with us for the weekend of the festival. It was so fun having them. (What is it about having friends come that causes a great cleaning motivation! Oh, if I could just get that feeling once a week, I could get so much more done around here.) Their first request was to eat at Avanti's, everyone who leaves the area, always wants to eat there as soon as they get back. Brenda took dressing home from there. Then they ate at Fairview Chicken Farm, another fav on the map!! The festival was a beautiful day, starting with the parade, and then art in the park. About every few feet we ran into people I knew, they knew, we all knew, that is fun....then the Keasals got free strawberry/lemonade drinks from Boerger's booth! Yum, those were good (did you happen to taste their chips this year?? Yum, again) We walked and walked until Doug was about walked out. Then, on Saturday night we had planned an open house for all their friends to come and visit. I had made desserts ahead of time and lots of people came. A legacy of a youth group, they had left behind and many of those kids--now adults came, they were glad to see each other and their former youth pastor and wife. I was reminded how we plant seeds in people lives and sometimes don't even know we are doing that.
I pleaded with Doug and Brenda to sing at church, which they willingly did. How beautiful, with the added bonus of Doug singing and playing with the praise team. We ended our weekend at the Brian Regan comedy show at the Peoria Civic Center and shakes at Steak n Shake on the River. What a good time.
It seems kind of boring around here now...but life has a way of picking up just when you think there is nothing to do. As I have mentioned before, who knows what is just around the corner. Love, Kim